Many of you, if you’ve ever read a newsmagazine or watched TV — or perhaps read through the letter P in the dictionary — are familiar with the term pseudoscience. It’s stuff real scientists consider wacko, or at least unfounded.
But let me introduce you to Suzo Science — a science that is not at all wacko (at least in the mind of its founder).
The principles of Suzo Science lack endorsement in the mainstream scientific community, but let’s not let that stop us from benefiting from its sagacity.
Examples of Suzo Science:
The Grocery Lane Blues. The mainstream scientific community might discuss this phenomenon with references to the Laws of Probability or some such blather. But Suzo Scientists know that it is related more to karma than to mathematical theory. When a Suzo Scientist chooses which lane to stand in at the grocery store, much deliberation can take place in the space of a few seconds. Typically she chooses incorrectly. You might think she should choose the lane with the fewest people. For others, this might be the right choice; for a Suzo Scientist, it depends on how her attitude has been in the previous 24 hours. If she has been impatient with her co-workers, overindulgent at the dinner table and judgmental of someone different from her that day, it doesn’t matter what lane she chooses or how many (or few) people are in line ahead of her – that lane will always take the longest. Karmic payback.
The Dog Poop Game. If a Suzo Scientist had a small dog who relieved herself whenever and wherever she pleased, dog experts would say the dog needed further training. But a Suzo Scientist would know that the Law of Cute but Stubborn Little Dogs was at play here. The dog may have had extensive training – by three sets of parents – and was just too stubborn to do her business in the proper place. In this situation, the Suzo Scientist always chooses incorrectly. For instance, when the small dog fidgets, barks or otherwise seems to be giving “the potty signal,” the Suzo Scientist might haul herself out of bed (even if it is 4 a.m. and the temperature is 30 and it’s raining) on the off chance that the small dog is telling the truth. After all, if she didn’t let the dog out, the dog would think its signals – barking, dancing in circles and pawing at the sleeping Suzo Scientist – are worthless and stop giving said signals. Even if the signals usually mean, “Feed me, servant – I don’t care when my real mealtime is.”
Which Bluejeans to Wear Today. Before the Suzo Scientist starts a new job, her supervisor may tell her that the publisher says bluejeans are OK as long as they are “nice jeans.” So she may go out and purchase a pair of “nice jeans” because her favorite jeans – the ones she wore every single day (even to church) when she was a freelancer working from home – are a bit faded. And she really prefers jeans to dress slacks when she can get away with it. But then she starts her job and begins noticing that her co-workers’ bluejeans aren’t all that “nice.” But she’s new and wants to keep observing the situation for a while. So finally she wears the faded jeans, thinking something along the lines of, “The publisher works out of a different office in a different city, and I’ve never seen him in our office.” So she wears the comfortable, favorite, faded jeans. And guess who shows up that day. (Similar to the Law of Wash Your Car and it Will Rain.)
These are just a few examples of Suzo Science. More will be published when the Laws of Gotta Finish the Electronic Newsletter That’s Already a Day Late aren’t at play.